Last night was a good night.
I got to hang out with you. Watch some anime. Saw you smile for once.
As much as I love seeing you, I really wish it could be different.
I actually felt whole for once.
Words can not describe how I just wanted to hug you.
Thank you Sam.
/james

So… what should i say?
Everytime we speak, everytime we hang out…. there is this omniscience of injustice.
You see Sam… I do not understand why I am the way I am…
I try so hard to be calm about all of this. I try so hard to set my dispositions aside to keep you happy.
But… things are so hard for me to deal with. It’s funny in a way. I feel like such a child.

I had a dream last night. I’d like to write it out because it was a sweet dream that I would like to keep record of.
It is because of dreams like this that I just don’t feel like sleeping anymore.

So it took place about 5 years ago. You and I were sitting on your back deck in your old house.
No one else was home except for you, me, and Teddy (Sam’s dog). Teddy was in my lap taking a nap.

So… we sat there in the midst of the warm summer night talking deeply about our relationship.

We spoke about what life would be like around half a decade from now.
We described it in a very mature way. We spoke about how we would be married and thinking about our first child.
We spoke about how strong we were as a team and how the future issues in life would only make us stronger.

We then had a sweet conversation about how we had special chemistry between one another.

It was such a beautiful dream…

To hear you say these things to me made me feel complete. For once, I felt like life still had meaning. I felt like that firey passion I once had was back and in full force.

And then… I woke up.

I woke up to realize that it was all just a dream and that reality had a much darker tone to it.

As I write this, you are here in our apartment. We fought today because I once again fucked up and asked you a question that is too personal for a friend to ask.

I’m sorry. I really am.
I just can’t help it. I still feel like I want to take care of you in any way possible.

As I sit here and wonder about what your life is like currently, you are so cold towards me. Slowly pushing me out of your life as if we never had a connection before.

I realize at this point that if there was ever a possibility of me being able to commit more to you in a romantic way, it will take much time and heartbreak. I guess I am working too fast, per usual.

I just don’t want to live this life anymore without you.

I really wish things were different between us. Hopefully I will be out of your way in the near future.

As things fall into place for the both of us… I see we are growing apart.

You are into another now. I can see it in your eyes, in your language, and your expressions.

As I tell everyone that I am ‘OK’, what they don’t know won’t hurt them.

I am keeping this bottled up. My lips are sealed. But… my emotions grow stronger every minute.

I don’t know if I want to live like this.

As I grow into a more mature person, when I think of you, nothing gives me comfort.

As you grow into a more mature woman, I just hope that you see that true love has been here all along.

Whether I am here or not to show you…. that I can not answer. No one can.

I love you Sam with all my heart. Whatever happens, I will always be here. As your guide, as your friend, and as the man who wants to devote his life to you no matter the consequences.

I love you.
Sweet Dreams.
/james

Was thinking about you today.
As life goes on without you, you cloud my thoughts more and more. The burning desire to speak with you grows as I enter a melancholy state further and further.

As I lay here alone, I wish I could just show you that I love you…

Good night Sam. Sweet loving dreams.
/james

Love… Let’s take a deep look into what we like to call love.

In my own opinion, love… is the emotionally mature bond between two people that transcends all other emotions towards that person. Love can either make or break a person depending on the mutuality of the connection.

Love can be found in many different ways. It could be through friendship, lust, first sight, etc.

In my life, I have had the absolute pleasure of knowing what love is. I have felt it and I still do for a very special woman.

Let’s call her Sam.

Let me give some history.

I met Sam when we both were very young. We had to be 15 or 16 when we met each other at a party of a mutual friend. I remember when I first saw her… her hair, eyes, face, and overall attitude were absolutely beautiful. My heart sank a bit when I saw her. I turned to my friend, who was next to me, and I said: “Wow… That girl… something about her is really interesting me…” No joke, that is literally what I said. I still remember the exact phrase until this day.

Well I got the courage to talk to her. Although, lol, I creeped her out that day I believe.

The next time I see her had to possibly be like a year later. Same thing happens… I cant get her out of my mind when I see her. Something about her.. I just couldnt place a finger on. I had then realized that I had a pretty deep crush on her.

That night, I had given her my phone number in hopes to hear from her again. Well.. in my favor, I did! She called almost each day after the initial call and then we decided to meet up and hang out.

I remmeber when she first pulled up; she drove a jeep. She had this nervous yet interested grin on her face as she looked at me to say hello. It was at this point that I really thought that this girl was absolutely special and would have an impact on my life.

Oh boy was I right about that.

Before I continue, let me get this out of the way.

I absolutely love Sam with all of my heart. Not a minute goes by that I do not think about her. Not a day goes by that I do not miss seeing her smile. Every lonely night I spend, I always pretend she is by my side. I absolutely miss her with all of my heart and the fact that shes gone tears open wounds that I can understand will never heal… ever.

Sam and I spent a very long time together in our lives. To give a whole timeframe, it was eight and a half years. We grew up together. We grown together. All things considered, she has a very special place in my heart.

The nights that I do not see her… I spend them looking into the stars and wondering if she may be doing the same. I look at photos of us when we were together. I absolutely can not let go. She means too much to me. This is a feeling that anyone who has not truly loved someone WILL NOT understand. This is surreal.

For the last couple of years in our relationship, I dwelled into issues that led us to begin having a dead relationship. I was too much into my hobbies and I took time away from being emotionally there for her. I spent too much time working and playing Shenmue when I should have been being intimate with her. It is for these reasons and other major imperfections that we are no longer together.

That being said, upon Sam breaking up with me, my mind went through so many changes. I grew to be much more mature about a lot of things. I also re-prioritized all of my hobbies so that I may help myself into becoming a better person.

Now dont get me wrong, Sam and I still talk. We still consider each other friends.

But… I have such a burning passion for her. Its so intense and hard to deal with most of the time.

Like I said above, I experience so much emotion stur when I do not see her. I care for her so much. When I see her or talk to her, I get so nervous.

Even after being broken up for over two months, I still incorporate her into my thoughts, actions, and decisions.

I tried doing things to take my mind off of her. Talking to other girls, seeing how dates would go. Finding new friends. Finding new hobbies.

But nothing snaps me out of it. Nothing…

It is for these reasons that I believe that I have found true love in my life.

I just wish I could articulate it to someone who doesn’t understand. It is such a beautiful feeling.

I dont care if Sam sees this herself.

Let me sum this up:

I love Sam with all my heart. I am reduced to tears when I know she may not be coming home (we still live together temporarily).

When she isnt here, I still make two cups of tea. I leave her bedroom light on just to feel like she is here. And I still think about her and I holding each other while we sleep, when I go to bed.

I love her unconditionally, and I hope to share that passion with her once again.

I love you Sam.

I wish I could kiss you one last time.

I wanted to be your best friend, protector, and husband.

I always will.

Good night and sweet dreams.

/james

So… yeah. Computers are a thing in this world that dictate the fundamental proxies set in place by everyday needs and desires.

So why not figure out how they work and find out how you can use them to your own will?

This is something I grew up pondering in my life and something I do for a living now.

Yeah… I’m a white hat guy nowdays but that wasn’t the only case ;)

But… sometimes I still go back to putting on my black hat when the time calls for it.

So why? Why do people like me spend hours and hours figuring out how these things work?

Well I cant say for everyone but for me it is a matter of understanding purpose in life.

Let me elaborate:

Ever since I was young, I always felt like something in the world wasn’t right. I always felt like someone was watching me or haunting me. I always felt like there was something I needed to do but I could never lay a finger on it. At times it drove me insane with anxiety and emotional dis-array.  I always felt like we were some small part of a much giant picture of life.

Take the Matrix for instance:

This fundamental idea led me to thurst for a way to figure out what might be out there in this reality. When I was young, I felt like computers gave me the tools needed to further investigate this question…

You know the question… don’t you?

That burning question….

“Why?”

So growing up I became more and more obsessed with computers and the protocol logic that ran them.

Before I knew it, I was changing grades in my middle school for quarters to play DDR with.

Its odd…. even today I feel like I have a duty to keep studying how to hack into stuff to prove to myself that I can still play the game.

People feel like hacking is a crime…

No… Its a survival trait.

Keep it locked and never lose that need to learn.

Until we speak again.

/james … aka L0RDC@nTI4000

As the topic states, friendships….

What are they?

Let’s forget the dictionary definition of “friendships”, if which one really exists.

In my own personal philosophy, a friend is someone who you can live your life with in a mutual bond of respect and relation.

Friendships may also lead to pure love.

In my lifetime, I have learned that many people do not understand this concept and are advantageously endowed to perform acts to fulfill their own agenda. Lately, in my life, this has become apparent as I see more and more of who I thought were my friends succumb to their own bias-ness. One person who comes to mind… let’s call him GT. GT was a friend of mine who I have known for a long time. A decade perhaps? Over the years, GT has shown himself to be a radical person who’s own beliefs enable him to perform social acts that make him seem self conflicted in the struggle between self image and social acceptance. This struggle has led GT to believe that his own well being supersedes the neutral respect to others.

GT spent the last ten years saying to me that he was what one would say his “best friend”. Meanwhile, GT goes behind my back and tries to take away from me the one thing that means the most to me in this world while telling me the exact opposite.

You know, it is really funny how people view “friendships”. To me, this bond is one of the most important things in this world.

For someone to just go and use that concept to fool others and pursue their own agenda at the expense of the happiness of someone else….?

That just makes it hard for me to really trust anyone.

Much love and good night.

/james

 

Sup. Im James. 26 at the time of this writing.

Interests? Yeah I have some.

-Computers. -Video Game Collecting -Philosophy -Social Engineering -Pondering Life -Wondering What Love Really Is? -JRock -Electronic Music -Life

Nope Im not gay. So do not ask.

To be honest, I am in to many things. Usually, more than I can bite off in one hobby cycle. I dont really excel in many topics but I like to cover a lot in a somewhat equal basis. I guess one would say that I am an equal opportunity hobbyist.

Oh yeah, I dont take shit from people. I dont like negative energy but ill punch you in the face if i have to teach you a serious lesson.

So lets go over some history shall we?
I am from Monroe NJ. I grew up on a Ranch that was shutdown in like mid 2000’s. I moved to New Brunswick at 24 years old. I was in a relationship for 8.5 years and now thats over. (I would still do anything for that woman on any day)

I was an avid gamer in my childhood and had a pretty great childhood growing up. I grew up pretty much in the woods due to the land mass my ranch was on so I found a very exorbitant comfort in nature.

My religious views are agnostic and my philosophical views are in line with Platonic Theory.

See you in the blog posts!

This blog is dedicated to everyone who has had an effect on my life. Good or Bad.

Welcome to my blog. This blog is dedicated to my everyday thoughts, feelings, and events.

This blog can dive into some very deep and personal events in my life.

I don’t care if you read it, share it, hate it, love it, or whatever.

All real names of people will be changed to protect their identities.